October 20, 2015

Until We Meet Again

This is not the post I had planned to write when announcing our 3rd pregnancy. I actually have another one all typed up and ready to go, written days after I took my pregnancy test. I debated whether or not sharing this experience at all, but the Lord really prompted me to. This little blog is about our life, and life does not always go like we plan or want it to. I'm so thankful for this journey though, as crazy as that may sound and my prayer is that even one person may be blessed or given new hope on the path they're traveling.

On September 7th  (Labor Day) we found out we were expecting baby number 3!! We had been going back and forth for what seemed like forever in trying for a 3rd. We always said we wanted three kids, but it just never seemed like the right time. Between traveling, Graham and Claire having sleep issues, and just being worn out by raising two little kids so close in age, we couldn't seem to pull the trigger. But since we couldn't decide that we were "done" we figured, maybe we're not? On September 7, (Labor Day) we found out I was pregnant! We were so excited and a little nervous, but we quickly got used to the idea that we would be welcoming another sweet baby in May!

After I got a positive test, I called my OB and they had me come in for blood work a few days later. They called me the following Monday and said I was definitely pregnant but it was very early, and to come in for another blood draw to make sure my levels were multiplying correctly. They also called me out a progesterone Rx just to be safe because that number was a tiny bit lower than my doctor likes. My second blood draw came back good, and my levels lined up according to how far along I thought I was. My first ultrasound and OB appointment was scheduled for October 5th.

As the weeks went by, we let our big news slip to close family and friends and we even told Graham and Claire a few days before my appointment. I was so exhausted all of the time, I felt like it would be good for them to know why mom was laying around so much, haha. They were so excited, we took the cutest video of them finding out. They talked about the baby nonstop and would kiss my tummy and ask how big the baby was each day.

The day of our first appointment arrived, and on the screen popped up a beautiful little baby, measuring 7 weeks, and 1 day with a heartbeat of 135. I was measuring about a week behind what I thought I should be but the doctor wasn't concerned. I'd also been having mild brown spotting for a couple of weeks on and off. She wasn't too worried about that and just told me to take it easy until it stopped. Our official due date was May 22nd!

This was on Monday, and everything continued like it had been until Thursday night. I was laying on the couch and got up to help Graham with his homework, when I felt like I was spotting again. I went to the bathroom, and saw that the blood was bright red. I panicked, and called the on-call doctor immediately. She was so sweet and very comforting. She told me it could be fine but to come in for an ultrasound in the morning. I was upset and just knew something wasn't right. I just layed in bed and cried and prayed until I went to sleep. The next morning, I was relieved to find out the bleeding had stopped and hadn't been much more than the size of silver dollar, and it had turned back to brown. After we dropped off the kids at school, we went straight to the doctor's office for an ultrasound. Chad was pretty confident that everything was ok, and I was still pretty hopeful but bracing myself for bad news.

On the way to the doctor, I just kept thinking of the book of Job.  God doesn't cause bad things to happen in this world, but God does allow Satan to test us.  But no matter what happens in this life, the pain is only temporary and we are so blessed that we have eternal life through Jesus. I kept repeating in my head " The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord."

Chad said he prayed before the ultrasound started that whatever happens, that His will be done and that He would be with us. When the baby popped up on the screen, it looked the same as it had on Monday, except this time there was no flicker in the middle. Our baby's heart had stopped beating. The baby was measuring 7 weeks 4 days. Only one day behind what it should have been. After the ultrasound, I saw the doctor that was I had talked to the night before since my doctor was off that day. She was so sweet and comforting. She said I may miscarry on my own over the weekend but I can schedule a D&C for the following Tuesday if I don't.

We got in the car to leave the doctor's office, and when Chad turned the ignition, on the radio was MercyMe playing Homesick. The lyrics immediately struck a chord and we just sat there with tears streaming down our faces. Chad then pointed out that he'd never heard a Christian song playing on that station before, it was the XM pop station. We knew God was comforting us, it felt like a sweet "I'm Sorry" card from Him.

Over the next several days, sweet friends stopped by with flowers, cards, treats and books and meals. Our neighbors took Graham and Claire for the night on Friday so we could have time alone. We felt so loved and blessed by all of the support we received. We had 6 different bouquets of flowers around our house, and countless texts and calls from family and friends. It was such a comfort to us. I really just felt a peace that was supernatural. I know the Lord was so near. The hardest part was telling Graham and Claire. Claire had even kissed my belly before she left for school that day, and said "bye-bye baby! I'm going to school!" When they got home from school, we sat them down and told them that we went to the doctor and found out that our baby had gone to heaven. We told them that sometimes baby's stop growing and we don't know why but that it happens sometimes. They took it really well and have mentioned the baby occasionally and asked why the baby went to heaven and when will God put a new baby in my tummy. Overall, they've taken it remarkably well. We have Heaven is For Real for Kids and I think that helped them understand a little more.

My bleeding/spotting basically stopped over the weekend, and on Tuesday we went ahead with a D&C. I went in for another ultrasound on Monday just for peace of mind, since the bleeding had stopped and the baby was measuring so close to what it should be. This time, the baby was measuring even smaller at 7 weeks, 2 days and she checked for blood flow to the baby and placenta and was very thorough. I met with my doctor afterwards and she was very reassuring and I felt good with the decision to go ahead with the D&C.

On Tuesday around noon we arrived at the hospital for the procedure. My doctor said it couldn't have gone better and my recovery has been very easy except for some dizzy spells I had on Sunday. Overall, things are getting back to normal and we are looking forward to the future. It's all still very fresh but each day is a little better. I'm sure there will be tough times ahead but the Lord has given us so much peace and comfort.  We will always have a special place in our hearts for our sweet baby, and I can't wait to meet that beautiful little soul in heaven one day.

There were so many little blessings that God provided us with thought this whole experience.
-First of all, Chad was supposed to leave on Friday morning for a hunting trip 5 hours away for work. If I hadn't of had that small amount of bleeding on Thursday night, he would've been gone, and we may not  have found out about the baby until my next appointment.

-The song that played on the radio in the car when we left the doctor's office was actually written during a time of loss for the band, and the chorus was written after two babies were lost during pregnancy. I had never heard that song before, and it just has given me so much comfort listening to it.

-October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month.

-I was really scared of miscarrying on my own over the weekend, but I was also scared of having a D&C. I prayed over the weekend that whatever happens that the Lord would be with me, and I'm just so thankful that the procedure went so smoothly.

-For some reason, I had a lot of anxiety over this pregnancy and the health of the baby. I'm not sure if it was intuition or just feeling so blessed to have two healthy children already, but I feel like God was preparing my heart for this pregnancy to end.

-As soon as the ultrasound tech said that there was no heartbeat, I felt God tell me that the next baby will be mine to keep.

I'm holding onto that thought, and our faith has just really been strengthened through this whole process. I know God doesn't desire loss, death, and grief but that He is a God of Life and that through Him we are promised eternal life.  We know that He will work all things together for good and that is all the hope I need.